i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
