have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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