so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
