i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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