You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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