I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
