I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
