I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
