I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
