I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
