It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
