OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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