My girlfriend figured out who you are.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
