I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize