I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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