I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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