The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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