I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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