I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
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