You just made me feel so damn special
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
