so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
