he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
