I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
