I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
