i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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