shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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