she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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