i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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