i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
