Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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