that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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