Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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