so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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