I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
