please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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