umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
