Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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