I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
