Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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