My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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