Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
