I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Randomize
