Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How naked do you want me to be?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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