I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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