I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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