Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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