The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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