What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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