so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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