i think i have two assholes
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
