This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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