yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
