ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize