A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
