i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Small penises have feelings too.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
