I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
worst night to have a conscience
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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