DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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