im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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