My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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